Rakish I am

Burrr...You know I've always wanted a horse blanket that looked like one of those navy pea coats. How dashing would I be in that? Add a rakish hat of some sort and I'd be ready for a jaunt in the Hamptons.

Dieting and am on 1st cut hay and reduced rations... It is definitely not my high calorie sumptuous stuff I've been eating all winter. {BLECH} I look mournfully at human but to no avail except there's an odd snickering at my butt.

{Snickering?}

Standing on tippy toes to see my reflection...does my butt really look square?

{CRUNCH} {CRUNCH} {CRUNCH} Hmmm, Willow trees make wonderful snacks!

Human: {SHAKING FIST WITH RAKE IN HAND AND RUNNING AFTER HORSE} Nooooo! Not the Willow!

Rejuvenated by way of Willow tree bark and cantering away merrily!

Dieting...I feel like my cheeks are sunken in from lack of food. I'm on my knees crawling to the next sprig of hay sticking out of a bleak landscape of no food...

The Other visits the barn and I hear a resounding "Shaddap you!" from inside the barn as my parched lips grasp the last piece of hay for miles.

Human says: Oh for God's sake. Quit the Lawrence of Arabia desert scene crap. I put a bale of hay out this morning for two horses

SECRET HORSE HAND BOOK, 12, 2.0

Secret Horse Handbook, Section 12, Chapter 2.0: How to get your human to give you treats even when dieting? Stand in stall and reach out as far as your neck will allow. Follow every movement of your human. Upon whence the feed door opens, stretch further and wiggle lips left and right. Look at human brightly! Human is for sure to relinquish a single horse treat. Rinse and repeat for a second horse treat.

Secret Horse Handbook, Section 12, Chapter 3.0: If no treats are forthcoming, add deep throaty nicker and press eyelids shut, hold closed for a count of 2 seconds, open and look brightly at human. If this does not work, get another human.

You know what makes me a little nervous? My human a-clinkin' and a-clankin' around the truck and horse trailer. Makes me think we're going on a dreaded trail ride.

Human says: Relax! Just doing a little truck repair myself.

I say: Uh-oh! Shouldn't you leave that to the professionals?

Human says: Don't worry! I have the Chevy manual right here? {CLUNK} Uh-oh...

Sometimes the sound of a human ruining her truck is a good thing for a horse...Back to {MUNCH, MUNCH, MUNCH} Life is good.

Just a little consternation about the hay these days...this low-cal stuff stinks!

However, close one eye, cock head at an angle and leer with other eye at bag of horse treats.

27.4 inches of snow. What's this? No paths in the snow for my wandering pleasure? Must I stand at the gate all day and whine? Snow is to my belly button! I would like paths shoveled throughout the paddock for my wandering pleasure.


{RING} {RING} {RING} Hello, 911 what's your emergency? I say, "I need walkways shoveled so I can get out?" They say, "Sir, are you hurt? Are you stuck in the snow?" I say, "No, I have cabin fever and need a path so I can walk farther from the gate."

They say, "Sir, this is 911? Is this that horse again? Don't make us send someone out there. This time there will be an arrest!"

I say, "Uh-oh? Human is still in a straight jacket from the last incident? This won't bode well for dinner?"

I overhear my human talking to the officer outside the barn. "Yes, Mr. Policeman, it was a horse calling your 911 service. Honest!" Then the office says, "Ma'am. Horses can not talk. Are you calling 911 pretending you are a horse??!? Ma'am, do we need special services here? Hey Joe, I'm gonna need some help here. Where's that straight jacket?"

{RING} {RING} {RING} Hello 911 what's your emergency? I say "I need this low-cal hay removed? And, something edible put in its place!"

I over hear on the phone, "Hey, Joe, this is that horse calling again? Yes, I'm telling you it's a horse and now he's complaining about his hay? What? Send a black and white out there? Arrest him for using 911? Okay"

Then I hear the operator back on the phone to me: "Sir, remain where you are. I'm sending an officer right now."

I say, "Uh-oh!"

{SSSSIIIIiiiiiiiiirrrrrrRRRRRREEEEeeeeeennnnnnn!}

I repeat, "Uh-oh!"

Human says: BEASLEY! What did you do now?

Time for a diet rebellion. Low-cal hay has got to go! Low-cal hay has got to go! Low-cal hay has...

A painstaking search throughout my stall has only revealed low-cal hay. How will I live?

{RING} {RING} {RING} Hello, 911 what's your emergency? I say "I'm starving!" 911 operator says: "Sir, you're starving!?? Why don't you eat something?" I say "Because I've been forced to go on a diet!" They say: "Sir, do you need assistance? This is 911 you're calling not Weight Watchers?"

I say, "Yes, I need assistance. I need someone to come over here and take away all this low-cal hay and replace with something edible!"

They say, "Sir, hay? Low-cal hay? Sir...this is 911?! {CLICK}

I say, "Helluu? 911?"

Feeling a little disobedience welling up inside me.

Whence and hence I have cometh...and heretofore I go-eth...

Hmmm, what shenanigans can I get into tomorrow?

Hence and whence I go-eth and then I cometh back.

I was invited to a meeting. Would it be the funniest if "I" (fun fact, I'm a horse!) walked into the meeting...literally with invitation in hand?

Hellluuu? It's 6pm and does my human know where her horse is?

Leg totally healed here but am perfecting the limp for this Spring's trail riding excursions or those that I'll get out of...

I tell you, leg feels totally fine but have to milk this...Oh, here she comes. {LIMP, LIMP, LIMP} {Sniff} {Blink, blink} [Horse treat inserted into mouth] {LIMP} {Blink} [Another horse treat inserted into mouth]...This can go on all day...{Happy, happy} Oh wait...{LIMP, LIMP}

Doin' a little soft shoe while I get my legs wrapped...Then a little wriggling of the hips and back to the ol' soft shoe...Oops, there goes a bandage...

Now a little tap dance. {CLICK} {CLICK} Ta-dah! Oops, there goes another bandage.

Oh, you shake it all about...[And watch accoutrements fly everywhere..] You do the hokey pokey...

Human must wrap my leg. Time for the Hokey Pokey games to begin! You put your right foot up, you put your right foot down...

Then sit back and watch bandages roll across the barn floor, human pulling her hair out....Much fun had by all!

Mmmmm, dinner: Triple Crown Senior garnished with a sprig of parsley topped with Julienne carrots splashed with some warm alfalfa tea water. Dessert: one horse treat. Fresh water and my low-cal hay. What more can a horse ask for?

I have an "owie!" However, nothing more fun than watching human panic and running hither and yon over my owie!

SECRET HORSE HAND BOOK, 10, 8, D3

SECRET HORSE HANDBOOK: Chapter 10, Section 8, subchapter D3: How to get sympathy from said human. Stand in paddock in the most disgusting and muddy area. Look mournfully at her and follow her with your head and big brown eyes. Press eye lids shut and open slowly and sniff loudly.

The Other says: "You fat beast, you should be put to work!" I say, "Such pejorative and disparaging remarks will not get you anywhere." {MUNCH, MUNCH, MUNCH!} {crap}

Human says, "Pssst, psst, time for some horse whispering!" I say, "Horse whispering my butt! And stop standing in front of the lap top!"

Ungh, ungh, ungh...Mid afternoon cribbing break.

Turn and face you? Yeah right!

{TAP, TAP, TAP} Waiting for my human, just waaaaiiiittting...

I can only describe myself as resplendent, glorious and shining brilliantly.

Okay, here we go again with the natural horsemanship.

Hmmm, I wonder if they even realize I'm smarter than they are and wise to all this natural horsemanship?

Okay, Natural Horsemanship, Lesson 1: Turn and face the human. Hmmm, I do that only when there is a bucket of grain provided. All other times are null and void unless a horse treat is provided.

Human upgraded my lap top and I'm not particularly happy.

{Tap, tap, tap} The sound of my human tapping on my hip with her persuader. {Tap, tap, tap} I roll my eyes and take a step forward. {Tap, tap, tap} I roll my eyes and take a step forward.

...

{Tap, tap, tap} I roll my eyes and take a step forward. {Tap, tap, tap} {Tap, tap, tap} I roll my eyes and take a step forward. {Tap, tap, tap} She stops tapping when I start to roll my eyes. What I've learned: Roll my eyes at human gets her to stop.

Human...I'm waiting. Stall preparation, meal arrangement, water bucket cleaning...it's all here waiting on a human.

Too busy here getting out of natural horsemanship with human. "No!" I tell human, "I will not put my blackberry down so I can turn and face you!"

Someone asked if I could make a prediction for the stock market. Here is my prediction. The stock market will open precisely at 9:30 on Monday morning. There will be a bell coinciding with the opening!

Okay, I watch my human leave in her car. I stand looking out over yonder fields. Then once she's gone, let the shenanigans begin. {wink}

Hmmm! I noticed that many people are using an astrological prediction game on facebook. Well, here is mine. Today I will predict the future for all. 1. Buy a lottery ticket. 2. Make sure there is a number 3 within all the numbers you select. 3. When the numbers come up, they're not yours.

So I have a pasture mate who I hate to say is dumb as dirt. I like to play grab the tail and stand there with his tail in my mouth to see how long it takes him to figure out that I'm behind him with his tail in my mouth. Okay here goes: Chomp, now count; 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10, 11...Bored, drop tail as he still has not figured it out.

...

Now, let me try to show my pasture mate how to use the lap top so he can communicate...Helluuu? This is a computer. Oh for golly's sake, where's my jolly ball?

Fun fact: I'm a gelding. But just for my amusement, I confirmed the facebook request that I'm someone's father?

For those of new to Beasley The Wonder Horse, my nemesis is The Other. He constantly recommends that I be put to hard labor, haul logs or suffer unduly with half rations and thin layers of bedding. Go to www.horsehollowpress.com and click on the Misadventures of Beasley to read more...

Okay, enough putzing around in your office, get over here and bring me in!

Um, just rearranging my stall. I really prefer the lap top near the feed bucket and my black and white TV with rabbit ears needs to be in the corner for evening viewing...Harumpf, let me move this table over there so my Blackberry charger will be closer to the nature channel window...

Horoscope for the day: I predict it will be sunny in NY!

Okay, a few days ago, I confirmed a request on facebook that I'm someone's father even though I'm a gelding. Does this mean I have to spring for Christmas and birthday gifts? I demand a paternity test!

Dum, dum, de dum, still waiting for a replay about my living conditions from the SPCA. Oh, oh...it's raining! Human, I need inside now!

Dear SPCA: I must lodge yet another complaint about my living conditions. Signed, Beasley the Wonder Horse.

To Beasley the Wonder Horse, Yonder Barn on Yonder Knoll from The Federal Bureau of Consumer Complaints. Dear Mr. Wonder Horse: The Bureau does not handle complaints about stall conditions. First, you are not a consumer. Second, you are a horse. Please refer to the SPCA. Best Regards, FBCC.

Federal Bureau of Consumer Complaints, Washington DC mailed from Beasley the Wonder Horse's barn on yonder knoll. Dear FBCC: I would like to lodge a complaint about the cleanliness of my stall at yonder barn on yonder knoll. It is untidy and filthy when The Other mucks it. Please get back to me asap. Signed, Beasley the Wonder Horse.

The Other is mucking my stall tonight. I know he is doing a terrible job and I will complain. I'd like to register a complaint...

The Other says "Shaddap you!"

(For those of you new to Beasley the Wonder Horse, The Other is a human that takes care of Beasley when his regular human is away. Much to Beasley's chagrin and mental uneasiness, Beasley must put up with his less than exemplary care and crude comments, one of which is "Shaddap!")

LOOK! It was years ago and I needed the cracked corn. Now they prefer to feed me rice bran.

Now, let me poke around the internet for things to buy. I want to improve myself...Hmmm, improvement...would purchasing the Tony Robbins Personal Power CDs improve me as a horse?

SECRET HORSE HAND BOOK, 8, III

Secret Horse Handbook: Chapter 8, Subsection III: How to get in the barn when you want in. Stand at the gate then press full weight against said gate causing a straining and cracking sound of gate, chain, board fencing and fence posts. Then simply wait with big soft innocent doe eyes. Human should come out forthwith. T...here might be profanity exuded from human and arm flailing when cracking of fence posts is heard.

It's a dark and stormy night. Beasley the Wonder Horse, our hero, is flattened against the stall wall stalking the prowler. Inside the feed stall, said prowler raises the lid to the grain bin. Beasley says, "Thinking of stealing my Triple Crown Senior? I don't think so!" Then Beasley, raises gun in hoof, takes aim and...

Human says: BEASLEY! Wake up! You're dreaming!

I say: Uh, wha? Dang! I so love the Beasley the Super Cop dreams!

I stand at my window and stare out at the constant rain. How can a wonder horse be a wonder when it's raining?

Well, I'm paying for all the running around the fields yesterday. Today, I'm aching, feeling old and a wee bit sore. Human, where's my appointment book? See if you can get Ms. Masseuse today? I can squeeze her in at my meal time that's scheduled between breakfast and lunch.

You went to which feed seminar last night and they gave you what bag of grain free and you expect me to eat that? I won't eat trans fats I'll have you know.

Hic RUMPF ... Hic RUMPF ... Hic Rumpf ... Horsey hiccups.

... ... ...Horsey hiccups...

Can I nit pick about the turn down service tonight?

Trail ridden today. Hauled sack of potatoes around faithfully.

Figaro

La laaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa! Figaro la, figaro si! Laaaa, laaaaaa, la, la...Oh, oh...Is dinner being served?

They say

As they say down on the farm, "Neigh!"

Horoscope

Horoscope for the day: I predict it will be sunny in New York!

La la la la

O solo mio! LA LA LA la la la la LA LA LA! O solo mio! It's a gorgeous day for opera in the pasture! LA LA LA la la la la LA LA LA!

Red carpet fashion ciritque...

...of other horse in pasture. Yes, the mud splattered and smeared over your entire body is a definite fashion statement...just not one for the red carpet here at Yonder Barn. My God, you look like a hooligan, clean yourself up!

In the future...

I promise I won't tease Skyler...I won't tease Skyler...I won't tease Skyler...I promise I won't tease Skyler. It's so incredibly fun but he does not get mad, he gets even...

A day in the life of Beasley:

Sleep, eat, nap, eat, sleep, nap, eat, eat, nap, sleep and then wake up and do it all over again tomorrow.

It's Spring

Rear up in the air, come down into an arabesque with attitude, then release to a penché and end with classic low arabesque on flat... If you are not injured after all that, buck mightily! It's Spring!

It's Spring

Testing testing...

It's Spring!

It's Spring!

Help!

I'm trying to post something and it's freaking out!

It's Spring

It's Spring!

It's Spring

It's Spring!

Beasley the Wonder Horse 2

I'm back. Poked around facebook for a bit still thinking of something to say. Not sure...I've created a character for Beasley over on facebook but it's not conducive to a longer format. But I can do some stories? Let me mull this over a wee bit more...

Beasley the Wonder Horse

Hello everyone!

I am Beasley the Wonder Horse. This blog is my creative outlet. I'm not sure where this blog is going. But in addition to being a facebook horse, I want to be a blogger. While I think of something to say, you can add me as a friend on your facebook, Beasley Thewonderhorse.

Okay, let me go to the drawing board and think of something to say....